So with that zen state of mind, I have another batch of questions to respond to:
Q. You mentioned dating someone of the correct age. Is that physical age? Appearance age? or emotional maturity level? What difference does age make if you make someone very happy and they make you very happy.
A. Yes. All three. Frankly, age tends to be a bit of a problem for me, because I find most men the same age as me to be a little immature. Very few of them really have their life together or are eager to settle down. I also think many of the problems I've had with men have been directly related to emotional immaturity. So I find it really difficult to date someone younger than I am. As for older? I definitely prefer a man who is a few years older than me (I tend to find them physically more attractive as well), but there's only so much older that I'm comfortable with. I say this knowing full well that this comfort zone is individual. I know a couple of women dating men nearly twice their age. One is extremely happy. The other is having some serious problems with the relationship. It can go either way. In both of those cases, I think the success and the problems are both directly tied in to the age gap.
But it is personal, and in general, I'm simply not attracted to a man twice my age. Right now, at age 26, I think about 10 years older than me is the highest I'm willing to go before it feels weird. Age isn't necessarily a deal-breaker for me, though. If I met a 24 year-old who embodied all the other things I'm looking for and was emotionally mature for his age, I'd be open to it. If I met a 38 year-old that I felt I had enough in common with, I would definitely consider it. Both are pushing at my comfort-zones, however. So the answer to the latter part of your question is age doesn't make that much of a difference if you make each other happy, but we all have a range within which we are most comfortable dating and we find that we have the right things in common with potential partners.
Q. Scenario question: You are in a committed relationship with a very loving and caring man of very average looks. Into the room walks very tall, dark, and makes you weak in the knees handsome. And he's giving you some attention. What do you do?
Q. Will you go out with a physically attractive man you have compatibility/committment issues with in the hopes you can help him change?(I can tell you I have personally seen this one blow up a number of times.)
A. Ah, an age-old trap. I want to respond with a resounding "No," but the truth is it's really easy to do this without realizing it's happening. Would I date just anyone knowing that we have profound differences like religion or morality, or as you suggest, different ideas of commitment? Probably not. I'm not saying I couldn't fall for them, just that the writing would be on the wall early, and why set us both up to get hurt? Now, when it's more subtle things that don't turn up until you've been dating the person a little while, that's where it gets tricky. It's easy to brush some things under the rug in the hopes that they'll go away or you'll get over it eventually and I have absolutely done that and it's a terrible hole to dig for yourself. It also is difficult when you try to talk about the important things early and the other person isn't totally honest because they want you to stick around. That is an awful situation to be in, and I speak from experience. But will I date just any guy and say "Oh I can train him?" Absolutely not. I think that is so hopelessly stupid. There's a difference between knowing some things you can talk about and adjust over time together (He wants 3 kids and you want 2, for example.) and some things are just deal-breakers (He wants 0 kids and you want 2.).
Q. This last question may be pushing it a bit, but what if you have met/are dating someone who is right for you in nearly every way EXCEPT no matter how hard you or he try he's not a very good...well..."lover"? CD
A. Honestly, as soon as I read the previous question, I knew it was going to be followed with this one. I have a two-part response to this.
First, SEX IS NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF A RELATIONSHIP AND I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE WHO ACT LIKE IT IS. Guys love to throw around this rhetoric just to see how women will respond to it (usually so they can feel like their penis is the most important thing about them—pardon the candor, but seriously). Furthermore, I've found that people my age in general (regardless of gender) love to throw this argument around as a means of invalidating people who want to wait until marriage to have sex. That choice is completely reasonable and it is so frustrating to me to hear people talk about virgins like there must be something wrong with them. There is not. It is a completely acceptable life-style choice and I wish we would stop treating those people like they're some kind of freaks and/or fools. I'm not saying that's what you were getting at here, CD, but it is a conversation I have had way too many times in my life, and you presented an excellent opportunity to get my thoughts on the subject down in the context of the blog.
Don't get me wrong, sexual compatibility is definitely an important part of a relationship, and it holds different degrees of value for different people. But it is absolutely not the most important thing. I will even go as far as to say that any couple who believes sex is the most important part of their relationship has either a very shallow or very unhealthy relationship, probably both.
Second, "no matter how hard you or he try he's not a very good...well..."lover"?" It is my firm opinion that this is a myth. I really struggle to believe that given enough time together, two people who care about one another's pleasure and communicate about their likes and dislikes can get to a point where they are satisfying one another's physical needs. Some couples have to work harder at it than others, who just naturally find a physical rapport, but I honestly don't believe in this situation. If you are both communicating, I just don't think it's possible. I have yet to meet anyone who has experienced this, and I don't think I ever will. (Clarification: two people might give up on one another, but for the couple who genuinely wants to make it work, it is possible.) The only exception I can think of is if two people realize their sexuality is not compatible, i.e. realizing one of you is homosexual or asexual, etc. But that's not really what we're talking about here.
OK Rachel, good job with my first round of questions. Since you asked, here is a second round with maybe even tougher questions.
You mentioned dating someone of the correct age. Is that physical age? Appearance age? or emotional maturity level? What difference does age make if you make someone very happy and they make you very happy? Scenario question: You are in a committed relationship with a very loving and caring man of very average looks. In to the room walks very tall, dark, and makes you weak in the knees handsome. And he's giving you some attention. What do you do? Will you go out with a physically attractive man you have compatibility/committment issues with in the hopes you can help him change?(I can tell you I have personally seen this one blow up a number of times.) This last question may be pushing it a bit, but what if have met/are dating someone who is right for you in nearly every way EXCEPT no matter how hard you or he try he's not a very good...well..."lover"? CDDamn CD. Back at it again with the white vans. …I'm sorry that was a somewhat obscure reference. Ignore me. Anyway. Here we go.
Q. You mentioned dating someone of the correct age. Is that physical age? Appearance age? or emotional maturity level? What difference does age make if you make someone very happy and they make you very happy.
A. Yes. All three. Frankly, age tends to be a bit of a problem for me, because I find most men the same age as me to be a little immature. Very few of them really have their life together or are eager to settle down. I also think many of the problems I've had with men have been directly related to emotional immaturity. So I find it really difficult to date someone younger than I am. As for older? I definitely prefer a man who is a few years older than me (I tend to find them physically more attractive as well), but there's only so much older that I'm comfortable with. I say this knowing full well that this comfort zone is individual. I know a couple of women dating men nearly twice their age. One is extremely happy. The other is having some serious problems with the relationship. It can go either way. In both of those cases, I think the success and the problems are both directly tied in to the age gap.
But it is personal, and in general, I'm simply not attracted to a man twice my age. Right now, at age 26, I think about 10 years older than me is the highest I'm willing to go before it feels weird. Age isn't necessarily a deal-breaker for me, though. If I met a 24 year-old who embodied all the other things I'm looking for and was emotionally mature for his age, I'd be open to it. If I met a 38 year-old that I felt I had enough in common with, I would definitely consider it. Both are pushing at my comfort-zones, however. So the answer to the latter part of your question is age doesn't make that much of a difference if you make each other happy, but we all have a range within which we are most comfortable dating and we find that we have the right things in common with potential partners.
Q. Scenario question: You are in a committed relationship with a very loving and caring man of very average looks. Into the room walks very tall, dark, and makes you weak in the knees handsome. And he's giving you some attention. What do you do?
A. Okay what you have to understand is loyalty is everything to me. I don't have a lot of sympathy for people who cheat, physically or emotionally, on their partner. My morality and world view just don't make many exceptions for it. Now, you could throw a lot of really specific "what-if" cases at me, but we're speaking in generals. So what would I do if something like that happened to me? Well, if my relationship is loving and caring, then I have no reason to look elsewhere, not even at Tall, Dark, & Makes Me Weak In The Knees. If for some reason I found myself paying more attention to him than I should, I might take some time to evaluate my current relationship and see if I'm really getting what I need from it or if it was just a fleeting moment of appreciating an attractive person. You can be in a fulfilling relationship and still think another person is attractive. But if I found myself really fixating on another person or on other men in general, I think that would be the heads-up to me that I'm not really content in my relationship, so it's time to break things off before someone gets hurt worse than necessary. I do not believe I am entitled to more than one romantic partner at a time, not when so many people are struggling to find just one. If that offends anyone, well…sorry, not sorry.
A. Ah, an age-old trap. I want to respond with a resounding "No," but the truth is it's really easy to do this without realizing it's happening. Would I date just anyone knowing that we have profound differences like religion or morality, or as you suggest, different ideas of commitment? Probably not. I'm not saying I couldn't fall for them, just that the writing would be on the wall early, and why set us both up to get hurt? Now, when it's more subtle things that don't turn up until you've been dating the person a little while, that's where it gets tricky. It's easy to brush some things under the rug in the hopes that they'll go away or you'll get over it eventually and I have absolutely done that and it's a terrible hole to dig for yourself. It also is difficult when you try to talk about the important things early and the other person isn't totally honest because they want you to stick around. That is an awful situation to be in, and I speak from experience. But will I date just any guy and say "Oh I can train him?" Absolutely not. I think that is so hopelessly stupid. There's a difference between knowing some things you can talk about and adjust over time together (He wants 3 kids and you want 2, for example.) and some things are just deal-breakers (He wants 0 kids and you want 2.).
Q. This last question may be pushing it a bit, but what if you have met/are dating someone who is right for you in nearly every way EXCEPT no matter how hard you or he try he's not a very good...well..."lover"? CD
A. Honestly, as soon as I read the previous question, I knew it was going to be followed with this one. I have a two-part response to this.
First, SEX IS NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF A RELATIONSHIP AND I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE WHO ACT LIKE IT IS. Guys love to throw around this rhetoric just to see how women will respond to it (usually so they can feel like their penis is the most important thing about them—pardon the candor, but seriously). Furthermore, I've found that people my age in general (regardless of gender) love to throw this argument around as a means of invalidating people who want to wait until marriage to have sex. That choice is completely reasonable and it is so frustrating to me to hear people talk about virgins like there must be something wrong with them. There is not. It is a completely acceptable life-style choice and I wish we would stop treating those people like they're some kind of freaks and/or fools. I'm not saying that's what you were getting at here, CD, but it is a conversation I have had way too many times in my life, and you presented an excellent opportunity to get my thoughts on the subject down in the context of the blog.
Don't get me wrong, sexual compatibility is definitely an important part of a relationship, and it holds different degrees of value for different people. But it is absolutely not the most important thing. I will even go as far as to say that any couple who believes sex is the most important part of their relationship has either a very shallow or very unhealthy relationship, probably both.
Second, "no matter how hard you or he try he's not a very good...well..."lover"?" It is my firm opinion that this is a myth. I really struggle to believe that given enough time together, two people who care about one another's pleasure and communicate about their likes and dislikes can get to a point where they are satisfying one another's physical needs. Some couples have to work harder at it than others, who just naturally find a physical rapport, but I honestly don't believe in this situation. If you are both communicating, I just don't think it's possible. I have yet to meet anyone who has experienced this, and I don't think I ever will. (Clarification: two people might give up on one another, but for the couple who genuinely wants to make it work, it is possible.) The only exception I can think of is if two people realize their sexuality is not compatible, i.e. realizing one of you is homosexual or asexual, etc. But that's not really what we're talking about here.
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